1. A guy was taking his snake for a walk in the park and my 95 year old grandmother held it.

     

  2. "you the crowned penguin on the iceberg of my heart."

    -my sister just said this so me and I don’t know if there is a better compliment.

     

  3. A thing that actually happened.

    Last night Gudrun and I were sitting together at the bar at Commodore. We were two women, sitting together at a bar, and what ensued was something akin to if we were breadcrumbs and men were seagulls. But like even grosser than birds. Because we were talking to one gent (playing his tinder) who seemed harmless enough and his brother and friend (who had an English accent…we should have known) were behind me. I couldn’t really see them, they mostly just chimed in with really classy negs from time to time. The brother, we were told, was 29. At one point I heard a lot of laughter from right behind me, and the one talking to us had a look of surprise and embarrassment on his mustachioed face (blond mustache). I looked down at my elbow/hip region, where I had felt something touching me. It took a moment for me to comprehend what I saw. The brother had stuck his thumb out of the fly of his jeans. And was putting it on me. At me? Like a pretend boner thumb trick? Oh haha it looks like my dick is fully not in my pants but is instead here, out, for you to enjoy. If you described to someone this act, and then said how old do you think the person who did that was, they would say 13. And I don’t even think 13-year-olds do that even at all. Do they? Ask your 13-year-old if it does that.

    I think what I said was mostly confused exclamations of horror and shock that this is a thing that exists and an actual person who was actually supposed to be 29 and is probably a voter was doing it to anyone, and that those anyones were Gudrun and me. I don’t know what I said but it was definitely words and it was somewhere near yelling and they went away pretty fast. It was ok though, because we were still breadcrumbs, and some other seagull came and he didn’t have any tricks up his fly. 

     
  4. this is just a delight.

     
     

  5. Well I don’t know how this has escaped my attention

    Heeeey Mariano Rajoy!

     

  6. I once won a fake nobel peace prize in a class taught by this dude. Winnings was free beer all night. Got to take his money for hours.

     

  7. How do you fuck an LP version?

    A comment on Kajagoogoo’s Too Shy YouTube video is: “I’m some fucking age nobody gives a shit about and I love this song so much I have a the lp version which I fuck every night.”

     

  8. I googled my way dumber with this.

    Last night we went to a thing and a dude was supposed to talk about 9/11 conspiracy theories. And we were like cool dude is going to tell us about the most wingnut theories at the fringes of a “movement” of wingnuts. But instead he just talked about how he was so amazing at telling them they were wrong and how he went on cool talk shows like…The View? Family Feud? I stopped listening.

    Anyway, I thought I would peep that and see what was up and here are some crazy ones I found. I’m probably on watch lists that I was not on before but it is np. 

    To start, a quote from an article on 9/11truth.org circa Dec. 2012: “But today, Santa would like to tell you all about something very naughty, something very, very naughty indeed. Dear children, have you not heard? Why, 9/11 was an inside job! Oh, ho, ho, my, yes it was!” They have reproduced this article in its entirety; it’s in there with all their other articles. It came from reputable-as-fuck news outlet The Onion. 

     - It was an insider trading stunt. Re-insurance companies in Chicago and London did a controlled demolition so they could make bank. This controlled demolition one is huge. 

    - They asked the president if he wanted to go to war in Iraq when he got elected. He said no. WHAT MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED?

    - They still haven’t sued the Saudi Arabian government in American court for financing terrorists. 

    - Eliot Spitzer covered it up. (I feel like there was something else that Eliot Spitzer tried to cover it up and it didn’t work…but it was probably bigger than 9/11 so understandable failure.) 

    - They did it to destroy the SEC offices in WC 7 because if they hadn’t there would have been a stock market crash. (You know, back in ‘01, when the SEC only had 1 office. And in that office they had paper papers that could cause a stock market crash.)

    - Flight 93 landed safely; a different plane from like wherever was shot out of the sky instead of that plane. (Why would that even be a thing? I mean if they are going to crash—wait I won’t go down that road.)

    - They found hijacker passports on the ground after. How could those have made it when buildings did not?

    -‘Theorists’ explain that a plane could never damage a building that badly, so it must’ve been bombs. They did a simulation with a real plane flying into a real building to prove it and they were right! Oh wait that last part never happened.

    -Scientologists had to get a piece. They claimed that ‘Thetan psychologists’, controlled the hijackers’ actions using ‘drugs and psycho-political methods.’ Oh those Thetan psychologists and their psycho-political methods! Careful everybody.

    - It was the Chinese. 

    These websites have hyperlinks in their articles, because proof, and all the hyperlinks go to other crazo websites because that’s how deep the truth is buried. I am going to get some cool ads in my googles after this. I feel stupider I need to go do something else now.

     

  9. WHO’S HOT AND WHO’S NOT IN WORLD LEADERS, Vol. 6

    WELL HELLO 

    I have been absent long time, I’m sorry, I’ve been in Silcon Valley husband-hunting. They line up there like day laborers. I know the 4 of you who have been waiting are concerned that I had abandoned this World Politics Newsletter, but I would never do that. 

    WHO’S HOT AND WHO’S NOT IN WORLD LEADERS.

    This is that time of year when we get INTO politics: what world leaders I think are HOT and what world leaders I think are NOT, specifically. A recap of those I’ve included WHWNWL vols. 1-5 seems in order, if for no other reason than that some of them are no longer in office/dead, and we can contemplate the passage of time and the human condition.

    HOTTIES FROM HISTORY:

    Marc Ravlomanana, Yulia Timoshenko, Viktor Yushchenko, Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Alvato Uribe, Joseph Kabila, Roosevelt Skerrit, Bamir Topi, Igor Luksic, Donald Tusk, Felipe Calderon

    NOTTIES:

    Col. Gaddafi, Benjamin Netanyahu, Brian Cowen, Ilham Aliyev, Tarja Halonen, Evo Morales, Abdelaziz Bouteflika (remember how lost I got on that one? that was cray), Kim Jong Il

    I don’t know why there are more Hots than Nots, but it is good, I suppose? For you know, the world. Because idk if you know this but this shit right here impacts the world. 

    All right it is 2013 and we have a lot to get through so I will stop mincing words. Let’s lead with the hot.

    #1 — Yingluck Shinawatra

    image

    The president of Thailand and before that she was a businesswoman and I feel like in addition to being a real babe, she seems like a woman with a plan. That plan I think is probably just be really really wealthy, but time will tell. Her brother was PM of Thailand before she was and he went into exile, and assuming they’re still in touch (I have no idea how would I know that) she must really care about family.

    People seem to opine that she is a puppet sorta for her corruption superstar bro, but people are always whining about something or other. She used to run hella companies, after getting a masters from Kentucky State University (weird) and they thought she was insider trading but who doesn’t insider trade every now and again? Her sister is married to another former PM, so she’s hella connected and she could get you reservations at all the hip restaurants and a VIP zoo pass. She is very into the one tablet per child thing which…I have mixed feelings about, but maybe I should get off the fence on that one. She is apparently 46 but when you first start googling her you are like who let this 25 year old run a country. I think she was in the army or something so she probably can fight, but she is beautiful like a forest—a winning combination.

    There is like a whole internet thing about her flirting with Obama. I mean they are both pretty hot, so who can say, but here is an example: image

    It is very clear to me that someone who works for her manages her Wikipedia entry. She got a First Class Boy Scout Citation Medal!!

    image

    “The eagles never could have taken Frodo into Mordor without detection and the Nazgul would have destroyed them!” I want to get good at fan art and make her a picture of herself as an elf. I think so frequently about the things I could do if I got really into making fan art.

    I tried to find you a pic of her eating, but no luck.

    El Gran Numero 2! — Enrique Pena Nieto!

    What is it with Mexico and total babe presidents?!

     image

    Mexico is kind of a hot mess but I feel they know what they like and it’s a president who looks like a soap opera star. You know, like how the Russians like a KGB strongman mysterious type? His wife is a telenovela actress, obviously. He is such a bungler. Biden-style, only he gets pissed instead of doofing around. Someone once asked him about his three favorite books and he couldn’t remember any names or authors but sputtered out that he read parts of the bible one time. That happened at a book fair where he was trying to get peeps to read his book. He once mixed up the Gulf of Mexico with the Pacific Ocean, and there is a website that counts the days since his last massive public error. His first wife died and in an interview two years later he couldn’t remember what she had died from.

    Once, when talking about the minimum wage, someone asked him if he knew the price of a kilo of tortillas and he replied “I am not a housewife.” He bought votes by giving people department store gift cards saying they had $100 and they actually had like $10. Dude that’s gonna get out! But man he sure can wear that jaw. He gets accused of being both gay and a ladies man, cuz everybody wants to get a piece.

    He has kids with ladies all up and down that jam! Here is a picture of him with his kids:

    image

     image

    “I haven’t read esto. Tiene pages con cosas and it is stapled together like it’s a book. It feels small so it could be a short book but idk I didn’t read it. Yo fell asleep porque I’m just muy sleepy guapo.”

    image

    Que de sweet nothings, Señor Presidente.

    image

    Legs crossed toward each other in a sure sign of immediately pre-gay sex level intimacy.

    NOT

    Recep Tayyip Erdogan

    image

    “Hi, I’m the Prime Minister of Turkey, do you like my mustache? It doubles as my toothbrush.”

    Here is a list of things he is into:

    1. Continued refusal to acknowledge the Armenian genocide, going so far as to order that a Turkish-Armenian a friendship monument be torn down

    2. Press repression

    3. He opposes Turkey’s high rate of cesarian section births because he believes it makes their women infertile which is so fucking weird that I don’t really have a word for it.

    4. A protestor once said she was a strand of hair in Erdogan’s ass. Which doesn’t really have anything to do with him directly, but is totally worth your consideration.

    image

    Somebody made this very terrifying shirt of him so I guess that is how you know you’ve made it.

    image

    I feel like he has never been shown a picture of Adolf Hitler, a person who most everyone in the world would take pains not to resemble, because if he had seen a picture of Adolf Hitler I don’t think he would style himself quite like he does and open himself up to the making of really obvious negative associations.

    image

    I like this photo though. I imagine he is talking to his men’s club about this dream he had where he was milking a whale as it lay on it’s side, on the beach.

    Not: Dilma Rousseff 

    image

    Dilma Roussef is Dolores Umbridge. Except where old D-bag Umbo was tortured by centaurs, Dilma was actually thrown in jail for 3 years and tortured by the military junta. Dilma Roussef is the president Brazil.

     image

    “IT’S A WIG”

    image 

    That is her mug shot. Jail doesn’t look good on anyone.

    I guess I don’t really have that much to say about her I just got pretty excited when I saw that first photo because I love when the president of Brazil looks like Dolores Umbridge, don’t you? More proof, as if we needed it, of the Ministry of Magic’s influence on our South American neighbors.

    image

    Here she is using brass knuckles.

    True story: in my google image searches for Dilma, I have gotten a curious number of forehead things. There was a picture of a person with a nose on their forehead, like the most freaky mutation and I will not put that picture here because I can’t unsee it and I don’t want to do that to you. But then this was also in there:

    image

    Logical conclusion: the president of Brazil has a foreheads fetish. 

    What is good to know about Dilma, though, is that she don’t give a fuck what I think.

    image

    That brings us to the end of this installment, dear readers. I am loath to leave you with the above NSFW image as my parting picture, so I will leave you with the below, which is still maybe a little unsavory, but, ban cats. Much love.

    image

     

  10. Dispatches from India

    Lily, who lives in Chennai, sent us an email about an event taking place there, which I will now put here for you.

    "You may not have been following it as closely as I have, but I’m sure you all know the first game in the world chess championship was played today in Chennai. Defending champ and Chennai-native Viswanathan Anand played confidently against favored Norwegian prodigy and nerd-model 22-year-old Magnus Carlsen and the game resulted in a draw after just 16 moves. 

    For the purposes of this game a 13x15 foot soundless glass enclosure has been constructed in the ballroom of the Hyatt Regency Hotel in Chennai. About 500 seats have been constructed around the…fishtank…for spectators. Also the players have secret exits from the fishtank so they can go directly to their changing/resting rooms without passing through the ballroom. 
    Highlights of following the game include:
    1) Constantly wondering whether Carlsen is cute. 
    Inline image 1
    I’m pretty sure he’s not, I mean look at this terrifying photo:
    Inline image 2
    But on the other hand he does seem to be friends with Liv Tyler, so…
    Inline image 3
    Also if he wins he’ll get 14 crore rupees as prize money. A crore is 10 million (don’t ask me about big numbers in India, I will never understand them), so he’ll get 140 million rupees, which is a little over 2.24 million usd. 
    2) Frequent references to fantasy literature:
    The Hindu newspaper wrote an article yesterday titled “Clash of the kings,” which began, “As the game of thrones begins today…”
    Garry Kasparov, Russian (actually, at that time, Soviet) grandmaster and former World Chess Champion, wrote this charmingly nonsensical thing in a column a couple of days ago: “I am no bearded Dumbledore, but it was impossible not to see Magnus as a type of Harry Potter, a supertalent destined to become one the greatest and to leave a deep mark on our ancient game.” Later he calls Carlsen “the Norwegian wunderkind.”
    3) Completely unintelligible reporting. I find the combination of the strange way Indian newspapers already phrase their sentences and put together their articles, combined with weird archaic chess words I don’t know, completely delightful.
    This is just bizarre Indian english: “Sometimes, in the absence of controversies, contradiction has a way of making a surprise value-addition to an event.”
    What is happening in this sentence? I have no idea. “The quick draw, lasting a mere 16 moves, proved Anand’s preparation right as Magnus spent more time on the clock in the opening and still could not get the complicated and sometimes lifeless positions wherein he famously outplays opposition.”
    Also this, from the same article: “It was a position akin to the Grunfeld for Anand and he did not opt for a locked structure. His ninth move created the imbalance that the Indian wanted and Carlsen conceded that white had nothing after the tenth move.”
    4) Apparently as part of Anand’s training, he’s lost 6 kilograms. Which I also find hilarious for no reason. 
    Ok, I know this has gone on for too long and you are probably not reading anymore but seriously. I love it. If I ever tweeted ever and wasn’t more than a little ashamed, I would tots live tweet it.” 
     

  11. Idk seems like you might be thinking about him a little bit.

    "I’m cool. We ain’t beefing no more. We’ll never collaborate. That’s just what it is. You don’t have to be at war with somebody, but it’s also kind of like U.S. and another country that they may not get along with. We don’t gotta go to war, but we’re not friends either. But we can coincide inside of a world. He’s doing him, and he’s not thinking about me, and I’m doing me and I’m not thinking about him."

    -Ja Rule, on 50 Cent.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ja_Rule#50_Cent.2FG-Unit_Records

     

  12. "'She is the cat's mother' is saying 'you don't use the word 'she' for someone that is present. You would only use 'she' for a person who isn't present, or a creature that doesn't have a name. Your cat probably has a name, so you wouldn't normally use 'she' even for your cat. You might use 'she' for the cat's mother, though, since the cat's mother is probably deceased by now, or maybe you got the cat from somewhere else and the cat's mother was never part of the household.'"
     
  13. -good morning hangover omg who are these two women in their butt underwear?

    -fuck what did i do how did they get here I didn’t drug them did I ? oh fuck oh fUCK?!? I know; I’ll wash my hands and think about what to do.

    -Well I guess I will have some cereal because I am hungry for these cool corn pop whatevers while the two women who are apparently friends glare at me! Sure are naked and hot aren’t they. I wish I could remember whatever crazy group love we did. But they seem mad! I wonder if I insisted on calling them by men’s names during? Like that one time. I gotta get out of here how do I get out of here before they go postal.

    -Ugh fuck this cereal they are making me so uncomfortable. I think my mentor said she’d be driving by with the boat around now, I think I will go jump in my mentor’s boat. God I love to wear this bucket hat.

    -AH CAR ACCIDENT but like from one shot you will think I’m on a totally different highway but lol don’t worry about it. Who is going to help me with my car problems? I hope whoever it is, that she is a hot woman.

    -OMG this whole song has been about a tow truck company. Has a tow truck company used this in their commercial because they SHOULD!

    -Hot air balloons! Maybe the whole song is about different forms of transit? Boat cat hot air balloon.  

     
     
  14. First of all everything about this video. Second, those tan leather pants are to die for. Also I know we all forget/remember this annually but there were 4 Destiny’s Children.

     
     

  15. Some days I feel bad, and then Ellen reminds me that in Minnesota they play Duck, Duck, Gray Duck, and I feel good again