COLD AS GUIS

My friend slept with a guy in Argentina. When they went to buy condoms (safe sex woohoo!), he also bought a sandwich and some juice. She dismissed it at the time. Then they had sex at her apartmnet. Then he got up and turned on the lights, and ate a his friggin sandwich in her bed and drank his juice. Then he talked about Argentinian politics for like hours. Then he left. And, it was her birthday!

Ugh.  

Fellas, never make a girl say this.

I’d like to introduce you to my new series, Underwhelming Males. We all know what I mean. 

My sister’s friend slept with a guy who was leading a school trip once. They had to sneak around the hotel so the kids wouldn’t find out, and the intrigue was exciting! They had a great night of fast-paced, slow loving. Then in the morning his students were like we gotta go, get down here professor man! But they didn’t want the kids to see her leave with him. So she stayed in the room, while he took his key and left. She hid there until the field trip was gone; she even stayed in when the cleaner person came in and it was awkward as hell. He didn’t say a thing that day, not even like a “heh, that was awkward, sorry dude” text. She emailed him later because like whatever, and he used the wrong ‘your.’

Ugh.

Welcome! It is spring, 2012, and I am right on time with this fifth installment of my newsletter, Who’s Hot and Who’s Not in World Leaders. Right on time, of course, meaning there is not now and there never has been a fixed schedule, so I’m on time when I say I am! I enjoy the flexibility! You probably think I was doing important things on my sabbatical, and I was. In my time away I: acquired not one but two rhinestone Dalmatian pins, went for 1(one) run, wrote a rap song and ate many sandwiches. All this I did because I wanted to rest up to write you the best #5 I could! 

A lot has happened. Arab spring, I think, happened between #4 and now, there have been rumors of Chávez dying, which his automated corpse denies, and Kim Jong Il died, followed by a seriously impressive days-long lapse between it happening and the world finding out. Props to DPRK on that one, way to keep shit under wraps. Just one of the many advantages of ensuring your people have very limited access to everything but propaganda. To warn you, I got real image happy with my second ‘not’ in this one, but it seemed like information worth conveying photographically.

Not #1

Benjamin Netanyahu

         I know I’ve written about Netanyahu before, and I called him a not and I am doing it again now, but I feel like it is time to back up my stance because it’s somewhat personal. Once I was on 54th street or somewhere with a friend and this crazy convoy was all up over the place. They had semi-automatic weapons hanging out of their SUV windows, making people all uncomfortable. You couldn’t really get anywhere. For whatever reason I decided that Benjamin Netanyahu was the reason for that entire hullabaloo. I didn’t see him. In fact I have no idea if he was even in North America at the time this happened (do you? It was sometime between April and September of 2010), but if it had been him, and I’d seen him, I would have been all ‘That guy looks like a poofart.’ He always looks like he’s trying to put the moves on whoever is unlucky enough to fall into the telescopic ray of creepy boudoir smarm his pupils are sending out into the world. Observe:

Ugh. Not, again.

Hot #1

Donald Tusk

         For our top hottie in this edition, we travel up and to the left of the land of milk and honey. Donald Tusk, Poland’s Ivory Tusk of Political Punch! The longest serving Prime Minister of Poland since Lech Walesa (not a fact), Donald is a catch to be sure. He has that kind of gravitas that the younger-old leaders sometimes pull off. He has crows feet but you can tell he’d still party. Observe:

Chuck only wears the badge these days when he’s really trying to impress someone. For some reason I imagine his main guilty pleasure is the song “Rude Boy” by Rhianna. They tried to bring him down on allegations of casino-related corruption and he was like I don’t think so. Donald Tusk ain’t guilty; Donald Tusk only steps down when he’s getting down! I just watched a video of him talking and he has that Eastern European monotone…is it weird that I love that? So mysterious.

BAM:

Hot #2

Felipe Calderón.

         I believe I’ve mentioned before that performance as leader is pretty irrelevant to my metric, and it is sure true here. Not that any Mexican President does like a great job, and not that it’s all their fault. I mean all leaders have their problems. Whatever, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know, I’m just saying Mexico is deep in the pooper right now and no wonder he’s balding. But maybe I don’t mind so much?

         Felipe isn’t hot like hey gurl hot, but I’d totally hang with him and he probably has a commanding presence or whatever. Look at that brow arch! He appears to have one headphone in. I wonder what they were saying to him through it! I bet they were telling him to arch his brow:

 Also this:

Don’t you think he told his kids to hug Obama, and Obama is like whatever but isn’t fully committing because look at that upper-arm hand he has going on there; that is a non-committal hug. Maybe all politicians are crap huggers though? I’d like to think they all are except for Biden, I bet he could really make you feel hugged (I say this based on a photo I saw recently of him giving a really groin-y hug to my friend’s sister).

Felipe here has so many degrees. Like 4 or 7 or something. His wife, Margarita, seems really adorable. They do that Latin American thing where she is the boss of his political party or whatever. When I googled her, though, there were all these fashion face-off hits between her and La Sra. Obama and on that I’m a little like gurl, please. Back to Felipe, he actually stands up to the US (at least rhetorically) about gun and drug trafficking, proving his salt. I think he seems like an interesting person, and capable of real love, and he has kept his nose relatively clean amid some seriously corrupt politics, so clap clap.

Not #2

Abdelaziz Bouteflika is the president of Algeria. He has been since 1999. 13 years in power is rarely a good sign. Someone referred to a ‘tsunami of massive fraud’ following one of his elections. I think he retains power thought a subtle combination of emergency rule and his comb over:

Seriously. That is a bold comb over.

Maybe there are only bold comb overs? Like, are they ever not that noticeable?

Sometimes he combs a little wave into it, just on special occasions.

Fashion plate Christina Kirchner is like ‘child please:’

 (Look at her, she carries a purse while doing something that seems pretty much in the realm of officialdom!)

 In addition to power retention, his comb over also gives him the ability to make fellow world leaders swoon. Here he is getting cozy with so many of them:

Flavor of the week! Gonna start Cold War the sequel! Really, though, Bush looks so hurt.

OH BABY

I feel like they all get comfortable because of how short and old mannish he is and then he pounces!

“Why how ever do you keep such a tiny waistline, Jintao?”

BAM

“My comb over and your facial hair…we are just the cutting edge. Want to discuss it further over a plate of olives back in my convoy?”

Oh God this started out as a ‘not,’ but this guy is clearly such a player I am kind of loving him. I mean still the comb over is inexcusable, but he is feeling up on errbody! Mostly dudes, though. His game with the ladies seems less impressive.

“Hey, Abdelaziz, Angela Merkel is calling. She wants to hang out again…”

When you google ‘Abdelaziz Bouteflika wife,’ one of the first images is this:

The world’s favorite shithead soccer player!!

Abdelaziz Bouteflika is a not, but he’s like that gross guy who somehow gets all the play. How does he do it? That’s something we will not know until he spits his game at us! Though, as a lady, I do not anticipate it will happen to me any time soon.

Ok, dear readers, I hope you’ve enjoyed this installment as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it! I do this for you. Take care of yourselves and as always, be on the lookout for awesome photos of world leaders doing awesome things in case we haven’t all seen them!

I know everyone thinks about how pens smell, so I’m not going to defend why I dug deeper. I used science to compare different pen smells, and here are the results.

Here is a picture of me, relaxing with all the pens I tested after a long hard afternoon of huffing pens.

8 pens were selected.

First up, Pilot Precise V7 Rolling Ball. I think I accidentally stole this one from my roommate. It was reeky. Smelled like finger paint. I didn’t know finger paint was a smell I had logged, but I guess so.

BIC Z4+. What is with naming pens reject letters + numbers? This one is a pretty nice deal. I have no idea where it came from, but it has a nice heft and is lends to more smooth writing than I imagined. Generally unsmelly. Bleedier than I thought though so be careful.

I doubt I need to tell any of you how good this smells.

South Jersey Radilogy Associates, P.A. BIC clickable black ball point. A fine pen, with a convenient stickdown hook device. What are those called? Anyway, smells like a classic ballpoint. Pretty good. Not so strong you can’t get away from it, but comforting, like a grandmother or soup.

Non-clickable Bic ballpoint, just a few bite marks on the cap. This one smells a lot like the Radiology pen. It’s one we all recognize from back when we used to take notes for learning purposes! I feel like this exact pen is the pen we all wanted back in 5th grade when we were only allowed pencils and erasable pens(the worst!).

Office Depot brand smooth writing ahoy! But it smelled like the ro-pel stuff my mom used to spray on her tulips so deer wouldn’t eat them. So much nature in Shorewood, WI! I saw a fox there once!

Lastly, the pen my friend stole from her work. She gave me about 20 of these, so I had high hopes. This pen, though, did not live up. It is uncomfortably fatty to hold, and doesn’t write very smoothly. They are smelly though! Like sharpies but without the joy of getting to write with a sharpie. It is a Zebra, by a brand called Orbitz. No wonder it’s a shitty pen, they are a gum company. I am still glad to have so many of them though because she hid them around my room and I keep finding them and little surprises everywhere is a great thing.

Here is my nose after the testing process:

SHOES as paintbrushes, SHOES as pillows, SHOES as …pets?

I just saw two pigeons pid’g each other! It was amazing! They flew right into each other! It made a slappy feathers nose! Exactly what those beasts deserve.

Let’s take a minute to have thoughts about people who pierce girl babies’ ears. 

My thoughts are that it is weird and unnecessary and should be excommunicated from the Church of Things Reasonable People Do.